my journey through depression...
- Anya Moses
- Jul 14, 2020
- 5 min read
I am quite open when it comes to talking about my experiences as I have hopes that I can connect to people who might be feeling the same. I like people to know that its ok to have down days and that they will get through it.
My journey starts as a 13 year old girl. I loved theatre, music, singing and acting and even went to stage school every weekend. But things went downhill quickly. I was starting to get extremely anxious and hearing things that no one else could. I ignored it for a while because I thought I was being stupid. But suddenly at rehearsals for a show I was doing, I found that I couldn’t breathe and I collapsed to the floor. I was sent home and me and my family had no clue what was going on. The day after was my birthday and I went into school feeling a bit better, but it happened again and I was sent home. It happened again that same evening but this time it lasted longer so an ambulance was called. They told me that I was having what seemed to be panic attacks and to see my doctor. When I saw my doctor she confirmed it and referred me to camhs but they would not see me. This made things even worse and I went further downhill with panic attacks everyday. I started losing friends and people weren’t very nice to me. I refused to go to school. I then started seeing a lady who was giving me CBT but it didn't seem to be helping at all so I eventually stopped. A few months later I had moved schools and things were starting to look up again but I soon went back into my old habits of anxiety and it started to happen again, but this time it was different. When I collapsed I wouldn’t remember anything that happened and I would wake up on the floor very confused and upset. I could have these up to 30 times a day and I would be completely drained of any energy. This led me to be scared to leave the house and even my bedroom. I was at an all time low. I felt numb and had no emotion and nothing or anyone could change that. I would not recognize my family and was in a constant state of fear and paranoia. I didn't know what was real or not and I just wanted to end it all. I then had what they call a psychotic episode will visiting friends in london and was taken to hospital stayed there for the day until I came back to reality. That's when we knew that I very much needed to see someone right away. I was then finally able to be seen by consultants at camhs and I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and dissociative phenomena but still nothing could describe my colsapes. I went to the hospital to get checked for epilepsy but nothing came back. The not knowing made everything worse. I even ended up in hospital overnight as I was having so many a day. After months of CBT with a lady from camhs we knew that it wasn’t going to work so they suggested antidepressants. I began taking them but everything became worse. I wouldn’t eat and I lost a lot of weight and my depression got even worse. I knew that this needed to change. By this point I knew I needed help. They took me off that medication and put me on two new ones which actually began to help (There is no shame being on medication. To this day I still take antidepressants to help me stay healthy). But why were my collapses still happening? After about 4 years of seeing various people and taking different medications I was finally diagnosed with non epiltic seizures. NES (non epilitc seizures) can resemble, mimic or can appear outwardly like epileptic seizures, but their cause is psychological. NES in most cases come from a psychological conflict or accompany an underlying psychiatric disorder. There is no known organic or physical cause for NES (www.epilepsy.com). All I can say that it was such a relief to finally know. I slowly started to feel less numb. I told myself everyday that I was strong and that I would get through it. I could see a future for myself again. I can tell you it was NOT easy telling myself all these positive things and believing them but after time finally began to believe what I was saying. The road ahead was tough. I knew I was still depressed and I had awful anxiety but as time went on I really was getting better. I had the support of my family and myself to get through it. After being diagnosed and starting to be more positive I began an upward road to recovery.
So let's talk about now. In 2018, 5 years after it all began I went to university. I’m not going to lie, many people thought it was a terrible idea and that I would make myself worse. But they couldn't have been more wrong. I was thriving. Even though I was still getting my fits I knew that I had nothing to fear because with everything I had been though I knew I could get through anything. And I have made the bestest friends that I could wish for. 2 years on I am still going strong. I haven’t had a fit in over 9 months, which is the longest I have gone. I thought for sure that with lockdown and everything that I would fall back into old habits but it turns out I am stronger than I knew. And now I am about to start my final year of university. I still have my bad days and it's always a struggle not to slip back into those dark times but I know that no matter what I will prevail.
So what is the point in me telling you my story? Everyone struggles, if someone says they don’t, they are lying. I am telling you my story to let you know that you will get through it and that you are stronger than you know. Life is full of obstacles but you will prevail. Find a support system that will help you, friends, family or if you feel you can’t talk to them there are many numbers online that you can call. Please remember that there is no shame in asking for help because I know that asking for help changed my life round completely.
I hope that this gives you the chance to see how strong you are and that no matter what you will get through anything!!
Much love, Anya :) xox
Links to websites that can help:
Numbers you can call:
> Samaritans - 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. You can call 116 123 (free from any phone)
> SANEline. If you're experiencing a mental health problem or supporting someone else, you can call SANEline on 0300 304 7000 (4.30pm–10.30pm every day).
> The Mix. If you're under 25, you can call The Mix on 0808 808 4994 (Sunday-Friday 2pm–11pm)
> Papyrus HOPELINEUK. If you're under 35 and struggling with suicidal feelings, or concerned about a young person who might be struggling, call Papyrus HOPELINEUK on 0800 068 4141 (weekdays 10am-10pm, weekends 2pm-10pm and bank holidays 2pm–10pm)
> Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM). If you identify as male, call on 0800 58 58 58 (5pm–midnight every day)
Link to mind.org.uk crisis numbers page:
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